Post by jj30 on Sept 21, 2016 19:39:13 GMT -6
Wed, 09/21/2016 - 12:13pm
To The Board of Directors,
My name is Sweaty Eddy Fuccups, and I’m the President of the Bears Razor Blade Company. We compete in the premium 7-blade cartridge market, and our company is owned by the Suckasky family. We employ a lot of Suckasky family members, so competence doesn’t count for much in our company.
Our processes are antiquated, so while we spend about as much as our competitors, we really don’t get much for our investment. Our H.R. department is especially poor at finding new talent, so we rely on hiring employees from our competitors. The problem is that we have to pay top dollar for these people, but they either don’t produce much once they get their signing bonus, or they call in sick all the time. Our oversight is so lax there's very little accountability anayway.
This probably isn’t something to brag about, but we have one of the highest overhead costs in the business (11th out of 32) due to our inefficiency, incompetence and substandard business practices. Obviously, the result of that is the product we turn out is terrible.
However, fortunately for us, none of this matters! Even with all our ineptitude, we are the 8th most profitable razor blade company in our industry! Why? Our customers are happy idiots! They walk around with a face full of bloody toilet paper shards every morning because our inferior blades scrape, chafe and cut their faces like a stiletto in a knife fight. But incredibly, they just keep going back and buying more blades. We’ve never really been able to figure this out, but thank God for misplaced loyalty.
Every new fiscal year we simply announce that THIS time, we’re really serious about improving our quality. The lemmings can’t wait to run to the store and buy the same defective blades they used last year. And guess what? After they snot and ball for awhile when they realize our blades haven’t changed at all and their faces are cut to ribbons, they still keep buying them!
As President of the company, you would think I come from the razor blade industry, but I’m really an accountant. The Suckasky’s want it that way. There are no bigger smiles than when I walk into the boardroom every quarter and lay down a financial with robust numbers in the black. Blade quality comes up from time to time, but only kind of as an afterthought.
I suppose we could change, but that would be a lot of hard work, and a bunch of family members and loyal but incompetent staff (like me) would have to be fired. Thank God our customers are so amazingly loyal, or we would be in serious trouble.
Sincerely,
(Sweaty) Eddy Fuccups
Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and any resemblance to other characters real or fictional is purely coincidental
To The Board of Directors,
My name is Sweaty Eddy Fuccups, and I’m the President of the Bears Razor Blade Company. We compete in the premium 7-blade cartridge market, and our company is owned by the Suckasky family. We employ a lot of Suckasky family members, so competence doesn’t count for much in our company.
Our processes are antiquated, so while we spend about as much as our competitors, we really don’t get much for our investment. Our H.R. department is especially poor at finding new talent, so we rely on hiring employees from our competitors. The problem is that we have to pay top dollar for these people, but they either don’t produce much once they get their signing bonus, or they call in sick all the time. Our oversight is so lax there's very little accountability anayway.
This probably isn’t something to brag about, but we have one of the highest overhead costs in the business (11th out of 32) due to our inefficiency, incompetence and substandard business practices. Obviously, the result of that is the product we turn out is terrible.
However, fortunately for us, none of this matters! Even with all our ineptitude, we are the 8th most profitable razor blade company in our industry! Why? Our customers are happy idiots! They walk around with a face full of bloody toilet paper shards every morning because our inferior blades scrape, chafe and cut their faces like a stiletto in a knife fight. But incredibly, they just keep going back and buying more blades. We’ve never really been able to figure this out, but thank God for misplaced loyalty.
Every new fiscal year we simply announce that THIS time, we’re really serious about improving our quality. The lemmings can’t wait to run to the store and buy the same defective blades they used last year. And guess what? After they snot and ball for awhile when they realize our blades haven’t changed at all and their faces are cut to ribbons, they still keep buying them!
As President of the company, you would think I come from the razor blade industry, but I’m really an accountant. The Suckasky’s want it that way. There are no bigger smiles than when I walk into the boardroom every quarter and lay down a financial with robust numbers in the black. Blade quality comes up from time to time, but only kind of as an afterthought.
I suppose we could change, but that would be a lot of hard work, and a bunch of family members and loyal but incompetent staff (like me) would have to be fired. Thank God our customers are so amazingly loyal, or we would be in serious trouble.
Sincerely,
(Sweaty) Eddy Fuccups
Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and any resemblance to other characters real or fictional is purely coincidental
